Solitude

I've been reflecting on the need for 'alone-time' and the virtues of choosing to enjoy solitude rather than avoid it. Early on in my job, I noticed that I was spending way more social time with the volunteers than I'm used to, going to the gym, eating meals together, spending evenings hanging out in the living room. I wondered to myself for how long I could keep this up, since I thought I was a pretty hardcore introvert, so at a certain point I expected to 'over-extrovert' myself and need to withdraw.

My first four months on the job were very special because there were volunteers around that were nice and low-energy (just like me), thoughtful, intelligent... just super compatible, so it was very easy to get along with them. This month there hasn't been an instant best friend just yet, so I've had the opportunity to get back to enjoying solitary pursuits (reading, journaling, dabbling in creative writing, doing sudoku, reading some more).

And solitude is a peculiar thing, because there are times when I start writing and I look up an hour and a half later wondering where the time went. Then other times it's like I'm just trying to figure out a creative way to fill the hours until going to work the next day. That's when loneliness crops up.

This month I've chosen to be more guarded and made much less of an effort to get to know the volunteers in the interest in self-protection, since it's harder to say goodbye to volunteers if they've basically become the brother/sister I've never had, than if I maintain a respectable emotional distance. But the consequence of that is not always having someone in the house to just hang out with whenever I'm craving the ease of companionship.

So loneliness, that ugly thing. Ugh. It makes me think upon Henri Nouwen, and his writings about confronting his own emotional neediness. I know it's natural to have moments of feeling lonely and isolated, but it makes me wonder about how best to address them when they occur, rather than deny or ignore. It is not as if my goal would ever be to 'never need anyone.' That's ridiculous and also impossible. But I'm toying with the idea that in lonely moments, it might behoove me to use them as opportunities to spend some extra time in God's company in prayer and devotion, rather than trying to distract myself from the negative feelings by covering them over with the happy endings of books, movies and television shows.

One of the moms at the daycare chatted with me this morning while making copies in the office for one of the teachers, and I mentioned that I was going back to Seattle in May to be in a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. She smiled and asked, "And you, are you married?" To which I immediately replied, "No!! I'm single. I'm single," laughing. "That's best. That's best," she replied, also laughing. As she walked out of the office I added, "[I'll get married] When God wants, but for now, I'm very satisfied to be single." :)

I think the gift of this season of my life is that I just have so much free time to pursue learning and self-discovery. Although I'm not enrolled in a formal educational system anymore, I just crave knowledge. "I love learning things!" I exclaimed to Adi one day and he just chuckled. You know, being on my own is kind of great, and though I may have periods of acute loneliness, the loneliness always seem to dissipate, giving way to another new and exciting experience meeting new people, going to new places, learning new things.

So I'm going to do my best to enjoy the time, to enjoy this time specifically in my life, with its solitude, and all the blessings that come with it.