Solitude

I've been reflecting on the need for 'alone-time' and the virtues of choosing to enjoy solitude rather than avoid it. Early on in my job, I noticed that I was spending way more social time with the volunteers than I'm used to, going to the gym, eating meals together, spending evenings hanging out in the living room. I wondered to myself for how long I could keep this up, since I thought I was a pretty hardcore introvert, so at a certain point I expected to 'over-extrovert' myself and need to withdraw.

My first four months on the job were very special because there were volunteers around that were nice and low-energy (just like me), thoughtful, intelligent... just super compatible, so it was very easy to get along with them. This month there hasn't been an instant best friend just yet, so I've had the opportunity to get back to enjoying solitary pursuits (reading, journaling, dabbling in creative writing, doing sudoku, reading some more).

And solitude is a peculiar thing, because there are times when I start writing and I look up an hour and a half later wondering where the time went. Then other times it's like I'm just trying to figure out a creative way to fill the hours until going to work the next day. That's when loneliness crops up.

This month I've chosen to be more guarded and made much less of an effort to get to know the volunteers in the interest in self-protection, since it's harder to say goodbye to volunteers if they've basically become the brother/sister I've never had, than if I maintain a respectable emotional distance. But the consequence of that is not always having someone in the house to just hang out with whenever I'm craving the ease of companionship.

So loneliness, that ugly thing. Ugh. It makes me think upon Henri Nouwen, and his writings about confronting his own emotional neediness. I know it's natural to have moments of feeling lonely and isolated, but it makes me wonder about how best to address them when they occur, rather than deny or ignore. It is not as if my goal would ever be to 'never need anyone.' That's ridiculous and also impossible. But I'm toying with the idea that in lonely moments, it might behoove me to use them as opportunities to spend some extra time in God's company in prayer and devotion, rather than trying to distract myself from the negative feelings by covering them over with the happy endings of books, movies and television shows.

One of the moms at the daycare chatted with me this morning while making copies in the office for one of the teachers, and I mentioned that I was going back to Seattle in May to be in a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. She smiled and asked, "And you, are you married?" To which I immediately replied, "No!! I'm single. I'm single," laughing. "That's best. That's best," she replied, also laughing. As she walked out of the office I added, "[I'll get married] When God wants, but for now, I'm very satisfied to be single." :)

I think the gift of this season of my life is that I just have so much free time to pursue learning and self-discovery. Although I'm not enrolled in a formal educational system anymore, I just crave knowledge. "I love learning things!" I exclaimed to Adi one day and he just chuckled. You know, being on my own is kind of great, and though I may have periods of acute loneliness, the loneliness always seem to dissipate, giving way to another new and exciting experience meeting new people, going to new places, learning new things.

So I'm going to do my best to enjoy the time, to enjoy this time specifically in my life, with its solitude, and all the blessings that come with it.

Needing Prayers

You know the saying, 'Time flies when you're having fun?' Well, time is slow as molasses when you're not. Gosh, I've only been back in Mexico for two weeks but it feels like an eternity. I'm learning so much about prayer, and the importance of continuing to pray for what I want even if I don't see God's response immediately.

My heart is definitely still in Seattle, though I'm figuring out how to cope better with being so far away as my family continues to deal with the many crises. It is agony to sit by and watch the people I love suffer, so I all I can do is pray, send notes of encouragement, and pray some more. When it seems like everything is falling apart, I feel as if it's God and God alone who knows how it will ever be knit back together again.

I am so thankful for the support of friends and family during this time. I have called upon members of my American and Mexican church to be interceding on my grandparents' behalf, and they have been faithful to respond. On Friday I went to the church prayer meeting and ten women lifted my family up in prayer...it meant so much to me; I had tears in my eyes. I've been Skyping with people back in the States, too, to talk and pray, and that has also helped immensely.

It's so uncomfortable to be inept and helpless while members of my family are in acute pain, drained, stressed, at the end of their rope. I can't fix the situation or heal the illnesses. I'm not necessarily angry at God that this is happening... but it's so tragic to feel like someone dear to you is slipping away from you, and you can't do anything. And so I surrender to God's will and his plan.

Those of you not privy to what's actually going on may find these ramblings to be far too abstract and non-specific, but I don't want to be publicly sharing a family matter for all of the world to see. But if you believe in God, please send a prayer up to him on my family's behalf if you can. We need your prayers.

Half-Present

It's been a bit of an uncomfortable week back so far, but I am hoping that little by little things will start to feel better. Due to some family circumstances back home in Seattle, it's been tough to be fully present to the work here in Mexico, because I'm wishing that I could be back home to support my loved ones in this difficult time. I'll be back in May, which I am sure will come before I know it, but for now it's just rough. I'm thankful for the technologies of email and Skype, though. At least I have that!

It's also felt a bit odd coming back to the Volunteer House and start anew with a bunch of new volunteers. It can feel like a roller coaster getting really close to volunteers for a couple of months, and then they leave, and I have to find new friends. So I'm starting to re-think my boundaries and consider trying to cultivate and focus more on friendships with locals in the area that will be around for awhile, just so that I am not going through a continual cycle of intimacy followed by bereavement and then loneliness repeating again and again.

I am coming to the realization that as wonderful and as much of a blessing it is to be here in San Miguel de Allende meeting all sorts of people from around the world, it's still a sacrifice to be here. Especially now that I am far away from family and wish to be with them, I feel it.

It's definitely an interesting season to be in right now... I've got a bit of a case of the 'slogging-throughs.' I'm sure it'll be okay soon. Until then, I'm doing my level best to put one foot in front of the other.